Clockwork's Wild Magic Effects

 Clockwork’s Greater Wild magic effects. Link to Google Doc.

Meant for when any kind of magical mishap occurs, originally meant for Dnd 5e.

1). Gravity is Shifted. Everything/everyone not attached to the ground, within 60ft, or weighing more than 500 pounds moves in a random direction. Roll 1d6. On 1 everyone is forced to ground dealing 1d6 damage and is knocked prone. On 2-5 everyone is pulled towards a cardinal direction. 2 North, 3 East, 4 South, and 5 West. On a roll of 6 zero gravity environment, Must push off something to move. Effect lasts 1 minute or until dispelled. Players tumble 60ft per turn when tumbling.
2). All living things size tiny or larger (large flowers, birds, mice) become awakened without loyalty or components. Range 30ft, effect is permanent but usually not shared through ancestors.
3). The closest (usually something the players are holding) Ferrous metal object (iron nickel tungsten or cobalt) becomes charged with 200 lbs of magnetic force. Dc 18 strength check to keep something from happening. Effect lasts 1 minute.
4). Veil between realities is broken and one small or tiny creature foreign to this plane (usually an imp, modrun, or mephit, though it can be anything CR 1 or less) arrives for 1d4 days or until killed.
5). One random object falls under a tiny servant spell (Xanathar’s guide) within 30ft. Effect lasts 1d20 hours.
6). You can detect all magic and it’s type within 60ft. Take 1 physic damage every minute you hold one. Effect lasts one day.
7). Regain a spell slot. All creatures within 30 ft take 1d4x the spellslot’s level in necrotic damage. Max Spell slot Level 5.
8). You become bioluminescent for 1d20 hours with bright light for 10ft and dim light for 10ft beyond that. Take 1d6 radiant damage when this first happens, Disadvantage on stealth checks.
9). You hear voices from somewhere. It’s actually a narration of the nearest unconscious semi intelligent creature’s dream. Effect lasts twenty minutes.
10). Time enough for necromancy. A 1ft wide sphere of dark rippling material is summoned in a random location within 30ft. If a creature touches this it takes 5d6 necrotic damage and the area of contact is aged ten years. Sphere remains 1 hour or until dispelled with a dc 18 check.
11). A zone of truth is place in a 30ft radius. For 1 minute nobody can lie intentionally. It is a Dc 15 check to be aware that this effect is occurring.
12). Polymorph into a mouse for 1d12 turns. Note you can still attack and cast spells. It merely does one tenth the damage or has one tenth the effect.
13). You cast gaseous form on yourself without the damage resistances for 1d6 turns.
14). You cast etherealness on yourself for 1d6 turns. After that you’re back in reality.
15). A duplicate of someone within 30ft or yourself appears and both of you believe to be the original. Both of you know that within twenty four hours only one can remain. (note the person who dies in 24 hours will turn to dust as well as all their possessions, the victor will always wonder if they were the original or not.)
16). Roll 2d6 one at a time while going down your six stats from the top. The first stat is reduced to 1 for one minute, the other stat is increased to 20 for one minute. This has no effect if the creature has a stat higher than 20 already. Note a creature cannot automatically die if their constitution is reduced, but they can be reduced to one hitpoint per level.
17). You radiate death, all creatures within a 15ft radius except the person affected take 2d4 necrotic damage per turn. Note Cover can block this effect. The spellcaster regains half of all hp collected. This effect lasts 1 minute.
18). You see the location of the stars at all times for 1d4 days. Faintly you can hear the music of the spheres.
19). You and all creatures within a 30ft radius are blind for 1d4 rounds.
20). You have attracted an ancient being from an incomprehensible distance away. You know it’s direction in that instant and it knows yours. What you chose to do with that information is up to you.
21). Illusions of words appear in this air (often onamonapias) accompanied by musical notes that describe the actions you take. Effect lasts 5 minutes, disadvantage on stealth checks while under this effect.
22).Turn all semi recognizable corpses into undead within 50ft. The undead are loyal to no one, in the event of no corpses, consider an undead mouse.
23). Both you and your greatest enemy are reduced to making quacking noises for one minute. (no effect on spellcasting, can speak to ducks, ducks cannot speak back.)
24). For a radius of 100ft around you (but not through cover or around corners) a aura of ice is formed dealing 1x spell level in cold damage to everyone affected. DC 10 dexterity check to move without slipping and falling prone.
25). Effects of a plant growth spell on the closest growable object. (could be a flower on ground, mold in old boots, a potato in someone’s rations) Dexterity check DC14 to not be restrained.
26). The GM replaces 1 language you speak with 3 other proficientcys for 24 hours. (could be exotic languages, musical instruments, or a tool such as painting)
27). A random person within 50 ft is forgotten entirely for 1d8 days. Everyone around them forgets that they even exist. This doesn't affect the world records of them still exist and people can form memories of them from that point on. But everyone's minds have just sort of erased said person from history up till that point. After said 1d8 days all memories of said person return.
28). Roll 1d6 going down your stats. 1=Str 2=Dex 3=Con 4=Wis 5=Int and 6=Cha, this score goes down by 1 permanently. Roll another d6 this stat goes up by 2 permanently, note this can be the same score.
29). Summon a tiny slime like creature. Creature has 1hp and an AC of 15. If it crawls into a sleeping person or dead person’s mouth they will turn into an undead creature, this can create more tiny necrotic slimes that can expand the effect. On summoning, DC 10 check to notice the necrotic slime. Essentially a tiny undead oblex.
30). Take 1d10 points of madness or corruption (if no madness rules, roll physic damage 1d4X5) Then character learns one trainable proficiency (such as a language or tool) for thirty days, if this is practiced for at least 1 hour daily, it becomes a permanent proficiency.
31). Cloramorphosis, the character’s skin turns slightly greener and their veins are a dark pine color. This person regains 1hp per hour when in sunlight or bright light. This effect lasts 1d6 days.
32). Chlorine breath, gain the ability to breath a cloud of poison as an attack for 1d6 days. This does 1d12 poison damage vs DC15 con save, range of 10ft.
33). All metal in a 10ft radius begins to heat for 1d4 turns. Anyone touching a metal item in this time takes 2d8 fire damage. Note this has a small chance of setting wood buildings on fire if they use nails.
34). You gain the power to fly, 1 inch off the ground for 24 hours.
35). Gain the power to speak to animals but they refuse to tell you anything important or will outright lie (cats). This effect lasts 1 hour.
36). Vomit up a live animal size tiny or smaller. A dc 10 animal handling check is needed to ensure this animal isn’t hostile once it exits. Note this can also be something like a robins egg to reduce grossness/ increase oddness.
37). Become proficient in a random vehicle type for 1 year. It can be anything but so it will probably be useless. Examples, spelljamming, dog sleds, dragon riding, chariots, submarines, airships, burrowers, centaurs. Will have a tiny feeling of understanding if you see that vehicle within that year.
38).You are given one prepared spell of either, Summon greater demon, conjure elemental, Awaken, conjure celestial, or animate objects. Dm’s decision, note materials cost is required. This does not count against your prepared spells list noted. Once cast this prepared spell does not return unless relearnt the hard way.
39). Change your race and possible gender. Roll on resurrection table for the sake of simplicity ignore ability score modifiers if you desire. Can be cured by a remove curse within one year or effect is permanent.
40).Change your class till the next long rest, retain your lv, player picks the subclass. For the sake of simplicity, consider using the same skill proficiencies and taking the medium number of hit points. For spells prepared roll a luck die DC 10 to see if you have it prepared or pick all spells at transformation.
41). Localized Terraforming, terraform the local terrain in a 50ft radius. Dm and player pick the effects, terrain is normally tied to the character's mood alignment or background.
42). WereWhat? A creature with blood at the mouth has been addled by the moon. It will attempt to attack someone nearby. On hit, make a constitution saving throw DC15, on a failure you will eventually become a werecreature of any possible origin. Note the more unusual, the more fun. Things to consider, Sharks, Plants, Boars, Spiders, Swarms of Things (SNAKES!!!), Small Mimics, Apes, Cattle, Goldfish, DeathDogs, Elephants, Moose, Giant Octopus, Giant Lizards, Giant Honeybadgers, Saber Tooth Tigers, AxeBeaks. Please note people will usually go into a rage when transforming and feel the need to hurt others, DC 15 wis save to avoid this.
43). Flip to a random page in a monster manual. That thing will be summoned as an illusion for 1 minute, it will obey a single sentence instruction before carrying out it’s order. This illusion has a range of a quarter mile to the caster, if it goes beyond that or when the time runs out the monster turns to colored smoke.
44). Take 1d4 points of madness or psychic damage, polymorph into a swarm creature for 1 minute, for example bees, rats, or snakes)
45). Transmutate random non magic material (this can include dead bodies) into some other complex material 1d12 pounds, range 15ft. Such as plastic, candy, paper mache, jam, meat, cheese, fabrics, stained glass.
46). Player increases their local gravitational weight by 10x, they take 1d6 force damage per turn for 1d6 turns. May leave impression in ground.
47). Change alignment, roll 1d10, on 10 no effect. Pick an alignment on the table corresponding to the number. Take 3d4 psychic damage as alignment changes. Curable with a remove curse, maybe the player doesn’t want to change.(perhaps another soul was reincarnated into you?)
48). Roll twice more on this table and ignore this result. One of you eyes change color and shape to be the opposite on the color wheel of your normal pigment as extra color cones are added to your eyes. Gain a permanent +1 to perception, this effect can only be gained once.
49). You explode, everything in a 10 ft radius of you takes 1d4x your level in a random damage type. You will reappear in 10 minutes when the remains reform into you.
50). A great enemy knows you and you know them, prepare to be afraid, when next you sleep or lie unconscious your dreams will be filled of them. Enemy example, a warlock patron, an ancient dragon, a titan, a mighty king, a devil, a demon.
51). Grow a thin plating of bone chitin crystal or metal. AC increases by 2 while this effect occurs. Exoskeleton is shed in 1d4 days.
52).An illusion of an event from the current location’s history is shown to everyone in 30 ft. The event can be either significant or directly related to events that have brought the group to this location. Effect lasts for either one turn or ten minutes depending on the extent of the event.
53). Aquatic adaptation, grow gills that let you breath underwater. Take one point of necrotic damage every turn that your gills aren't wet (use a wet towel). Effect ends on next long rest or when the user goes unconscious.
54). Attract all (1d4) (1 Bugs, 2 Spiders, 3 Birds 4 Rodents) to the location of the spell casts effect. All creatures attracted in a ¼ mile radius and affected creatures become free again after the destination is reached.
55). Secret Word, whenever a relatively common word or phrase is said, a rumble of thunder is heard in the distance. This effect lasts 24 hours. Examples; Rest, Bar, quest location, or npc name.
56). Die for 1d4 turns. Your body turns to a pile of ash. At the end of those turns have rematerialized with no memory of what just happened and reappear around a corner or behind a tree aware that everything's normal.
57). Overdrive. Gain the ability to exchange 10 hp for 1 sourcery point as a free flourish. Effect lasts 24 hours.
58). Where? Become aware of the nearest active or semi active portal to another plane of existence. A DC 20 arcana check is needed to understand where it leads.
59). Songs from the woods. Cast speak with animals on yourself, one animal has secrets or is up to something.
60).Deja Vu you receive a message from yourself from your future (18 seconds probably) giving you advice on what to do. Gain advantage if you don’t do what you are warned what not to do. If you do it you cause a yourself to send the message back or maybe it caused a parallel timeline who knows?
61). Tiny killer. A random object nearby (often a doll) falls under a tiny servant spell. If it can kill the person who gave it life in 8 days, it can live until destroyed. However if it fails to kill it’s owner, then the magic ceases and the doll becomes lifeless. Tiny killer is unusually intelligent understands basic poison, has a +7 to stealth checks and when non moving appears creepy but lifeless.
62). Mindswap. For 1d8 turns you and another ally swap minds. (you and another player trade sheets if possible. Otherwise ask what they want to try and do and that other player rolls for it.
63). Forceful Friendship. Everyone becomes charmed by everyone else for 1 minute. Effect has a fifty foot radius, and requires a DC13 charisma saving throw to be snapped out of at the end of your turn. Effect end once you take damage or make the save.
64). All color is swapped to a different spectrum in a 100ft radius for the next 1d20 hours. Usually photonegative or red shifting.
65). All color becomes black and white with other minor film noir effects in a 100ft radius for 1d6 days. Jazz is optional.
66). All books become slightly sentient with the minds of their authors or main characters for 1 minute. Can ask a book one question and if the books contains that answer it will share this information as the author might. After a question or one minute the magic passes and books revert to being ordinary.
67). Strobe. Roll a die at the start of every turn for the next minute. On an odd roll all is light effects are extinguished in a 100ft radius. On an even roll all light sources turn on in a 100ft radius. After one minute all light sources revert to how they were before this magic effect.
68). You cast hunger of hadar centered on where you’re standing. Effect lasts one minute or until dispelled with a dc 13 check, dc is also 13 to resist the acid effect.
69). Mask Meld. All disguises in a 100 ft radius become permanent for 10 +1d20 days. Any new disguise must be worn over the old.
70). Synaptic Clarity. Make an intelligence saving throw dc13. On a success cast haste on yourself for one minute. On a failure, cast slow on yourself for 1d6 turns and take 1d6 physic damage.
71). One random object is transformed into a mimic. The party is likely familiar with this item. Example, a tent, someone’s front door, a pair of drapes.
72). A deafness upon the sky. All creatures within a 1/4 mile radius become deaf for 1d6 hours. All creatures with blindsight additionally take that 1d6 in thunder damage.
73). Thinking with portals. Two interlinked wormholes appear within 100ft of your location. Both have opposite colors.
74). Little Bigman. Roll a d20, on a 10 or higher enlarge is cast on the user for 1d6 turns. On a 9 or lower reduce is cast on the user for 1d6 turns.
75). The mysterious stranger. The next time you attack anyone or anything a mysterious teifling man in a trenchcoat and fedora with a hand crossbow (or pistol depending on tech level) will appear out of the corner of your eye. He will then fire three times. The mysterious stranger never misses his mark and deals magical piercing damage 1d6+5 with every shot. He then disappears without a trace.
76). Cast Geas on the nearest humanoid with 20hp or lower. Must offer them generally helpful advice. Wisdom saving throw, DC13, disobeying this effect can knock unconscious but not kill.
77). Area will be heavily obscured by moths smoke birds bats butterflies balloons flumphs or even soap bubbles. Perception check DC 15 to see through this cloud. Cloud effect occurs in a 20ft radius of the spell effect. Cloud disperses within one minute.
78). Anti Assembly. One constructed object within 50 ft (something like a door coffin desk or bed) usually magical and sized large or smaller, is converted into its base components. Such as nails planks, stuffing, flannel, ect. A set of instruction in a language none of the players can likely read is placed on top.
79). Cast teleport to the place you were born or a place you have spent the majority of your life. Roll on the teleportation table. DC 15 charisma saving throw to resist this effect.
80). Localized Time warp. Roll a d6 on a 4 or higher time speeds up to twice that of normal in a 120 ft radius. Effect lasts 10 minutes standard time. on a 3 or lower time down to half that of normal in a 120 ft radius. Effect lasts 10 minutes standard time.
81). Terrifying Transmutation. Roll a d20 that much material in pounds will be transmuted from something nearby (usually air or surface dirt). Roll a d100 that’s is the element number that the material will be turned into, remember noble gasses change voices, alkalines explode near water, and plenty of pure elements are toxic to humans.
82). Aetheric Adaptation. Grow a pair of wings suiting your personality be it butterfly angelic, crow, parrot, bat, metallic, cloth, paper, cloak. Wings grant the user a 50ft fly speed and will become destroyed if the character takes 15 points of damage or flies over 50 ft off the ground. Characters already with wings are grounded until their next long rest.
83). Healing surge. Everyone in a 100ft radius takes 1d4 x the spell lv in hp recovery. Note this includes enemies.
84). Mirror Mastery. A doppelganger of that character lurks behind a mirror waiting for their opportunity. At their first opportunity they’ll jump out of the mirror and try to take over your life.
85). Homophonic. Replace something within 100ft with something that sounds like it. For example a club or bat becomes a vampire bat, a ottoman or trunk becomes an elephant’s trunk. A sign becomes someone’s signature suspended in midair, or a table might become a graph of numbers.
86). Loco Meteorology. All weather becomes highly unusual for 500ft radius, effect sometimes dependent on the caster’s mood. Effect lasts 1d6 hours, examples elf blood, dead animals, boiling rain, cheap wine, vinegar, perfume, wild magic flashes, radiant snow, necrotic ash.
87). Sandman scarcity. All creatures in a 250 ft radius are unable to sleep for 24 hours. Those already asleep suffer from nightmares.
88). Macroscope. Go unconscious for your next turn. Wake up at half hit points. While unconscious said character witnessed the entire universe down to the planar system and down back to themselves in just a few seconds. They have seen the grand cosmos and it may take time to process.
89). Natural 20 on the next check. Do not tell the player this.
90). Natural 1 on the next check. Do not tell the player this.
91). The players can hear a narrator direct how segments of the story are going. All rolls gains a +1 if they follow along with what the narrator says, All rolls gain a -1 to actively disobeying the narrator. Note this effect lasts 10 minutes and midway through the narrator will describe them doing something unusual such as an ancient ritual or screaming out obvious false statements that will make the other characters question them. The narrator is not the DM use a different tone of voice when orating as the narrator.
92). Danse Macabre. Every vaguely humanoid person dead body or thing. Has Otto’s Irresistible dance cast on them it’s a DC15 wisdom saving throw to stop dancing. Effect lasts one minute or until every creature has made it’s save.
93). Fiendly Trading. A devil from the outer planes wants to buy your soul, it will be polite about the whole affair until you refuse them. The more you refuse them the more they want it. They may resort to drastic measures such as employing bounty hunters and sending spam mail.
94). Dead magic zone. A disruptive thaumaturgical field appears making it so that no spell effect can occur for 1d6 turns in a 50ft radius. All magical effects occur normally after the field passes stops.
95). Necromantic Call. Everything in a 10ft x caster lv radius takes 1 necrotic damage x caster lv. Note this normally kills off most of the plant life, microbes and animals. The land could take years to recover.
96). The beast. A monster only one character can see stalks them. It desires a piece of them for reasons unknown and likely sinister. It will appear when the player is unconscious or asleep. Only then will other people be able to see it. The beast can be anything from a white wolf to a doppelganger in the form of a monster. The creature will leave once it has inflicted permanent damage or has been killed.
97). The Sleep Speaks My Name. Cast legend lore next time you sleep without materials or spellslots. The character will see a vision of either long forgotten ruins or an event so old in history that even some gods may have forgotten. The character may feel as though this place is familiar. Whatever secrets are held there are likely best left forgotten.
98). Soundtracer. You have a theme song, everyone within 30ft of you automatically adds a 1d4 every time they roll a d20 for the next minute. Note this includes enemies.
99). Roll on this table once per round for the next 1d6 turns. Ignore this result.
100). Permanent zone. Roll this table again ignoring this result. The rolled result becomes permanent in some way.

Clockwork’s Big List of Low Level Magic Items.

Clockwork’s Big List of Low Level Magic Items.

Some taken from the internet, some invented.

Originally made for Dnd 5e and posted to reddit sometime in 2018.

001. Drunkard’s Hat, A fine straw or town hat, user knows the location of the nearest alcoholic beverage.

002. Coin of Certainty, a brass coin that always lands on heads.

003. Weapon of mercy, A weapon (usually a nightstick, club, or hammer) that cannot strike someone below 1 hitpoint.

004. Ring of Tracking, a simple ring, when attuned to it the user knows the location of the ring at all times.

005. Shepherd's Staff, Can dominate beast once per day with a DC 13 wisdom save. Only works on farm animals.

006. Wheedish Whef What, A chefs hat that gives the user proficiency with Chefs Tools. User also has disadvantage on all charisma checks while wearing this hat and speaks in a strange accent.

007. Deck of Solitary, A fine set of ornate cards in a cherrywood case. If the user attempts to play solitaire, no matter the conditions a person or creature capable of speaking at least one language will eventually show up and start trying to tell you what to play.

008. Percussion of Movement, Some type of percussion instrument usually a drum. If a user is proficient, all allies in a thirty foot radius gain +5ft of movement.

009. Cape of Chlorophyll, A luxurious green cape, user regains 1hp per hour as long as they are within bright light. 

010. Mystic Magnet, A strong dwarven horseshoe magnet that will become magnetic with 100lbs of force when it’s name is spoken.

011. Lazy Boomerang, A boomerang that deals 1d6 + Dex slashing damage. Once attuned the boomerang will always come back after 1d20 hours.

012. Staff of Detect Magic, a wooden staff capable of detecting magic, when activated it will detect itself and shed dim light for 10ft. Unlimited nonusefullness.

013. Dagger of Whittling. A finely made halfling dagger, once attuned to, this dagger can whittle one small object once per day without the use of it’s master.

014. Paper of Message, A piece of paper that acts as the animal messenger spell. A paper can be folded into this and folded into a paper airplane. Reusable.

015. Bolts of Seeking. A crossbow bolt that automatically seeks out and targets the nearest person when fired. Please note this is almost always the person who fired the crossbow.

016. Chalk of Doors, A stick of chalk with a sprinkle of rainbow in the lime. Allows the user to cast misty step as an action by drawing a chalk door on the wall and stepping through. 3/3 uses.

017. Wand of tomato slinging. This wand made from a bramblewood tree limb fires spectral tomatoes as an action dealing 1 physic damage for each hit. 100ft range.

018. Frying Pan of Fire. A cast iron frying pan, can allow the user to cast heat metal once per day.

019. Quartz of Procrastination, I’ll get around to writing this down. (everyone in possession of this will procrastinate)

020. Tome of Summon Cat, Shortly after the user attempts to read this book a cat appearing from nowhere will appear and attempt to lounge or nap on top of this tome. Repeated testing confirms the cat can walk through walls, and its origin is wherever it feels like.

021. Conch of Gnome, A large pink and white conch shell that when spoken into will cause the speaker to hear their message back in gnome.

022. Perfume Attraction Feline, A bottle of perfume 3/3 charges. When used will give the user +1 to all charisma checks within the hour. Attracts all cats within a quarter mile radius.

023. Bigger Knife, A large dagger that provides +1 to hit and +1 to intimidation. Dagger will grow to be slightly larger than anyone else's dagger in the room. On a failed intimidation check, the knife will turn into a spoon till dawn.

024. Shovel of Jumping, A shovel (note small shovels are 1d4 damage and large shovels are 1d6 damage and considered marital) This finely made shovel allows the user to cast jump 2x per day.

025. Cloak of Grace, Allows user to cast feather fall once per day, billows majestically at all other times. On natural 1 rolls the cloak will get caught in something.

026. Luggage, can range from a tiny construct to fully grown, made out of a sentient tree this majestic creation can carry up to four hundred pounds, six cubic feet or one medium sized terrified creature. Luggage is vulnerable to fire. Luggage can attempt to bite or slam an enemy at 1d8 of piercing or slashing damage. Luggage can grow from a tiny construct to full ottoman sized. To keep it useless recommended to use stats of tiny construct.

027. Smugglers shoes, A pair of boots that when attuned too will allow the user to disguise their footprints /tracks with that of any animal they’ve seen.

028. Mouth of minty, Cool mint tablets, 3/3 uses. On eating one can cast ice breath for 1d6 damage. User feels minty fresh for days afterward.

029. Geomancer’s Glyph, an old stone carved device that allows the user to know how deep they are underground and grants proficiency in identifying different stone types. User has disadvantage on perceptions checks made in sunlight when holding this device.

030. Stone of Skipping, A really nice beach stone that is perfectly smooth and perfect for skipping across the water. Once attuned to it will always appear in your back pocket after a good toss.

031. Zircon’s Homemade peanut brittle, A can of peanut brittle that when opened will release three fake tube snake at random. After four seconds an actual flying snake emerges (note a flying snake +6 to hit, on hit 1 piercing damage and 3d4 poison damage) snake turns to smoke after use. Peanut brittle snakes recharge daily.

032. The Power. A silvery glove, when worn as an action it can turn any weapon or fist into a magic item or fist complete with thunder lightning arcane flickers and showmanship. Said weapon or fist will retain its magicalness for 10 min, no other effects.

033. Rock of Healing. A simple smooth rock with a glyph of healing symbol on it. As a bonus action the rock and be smacked into anybody within smacking distance. On a hit roll 1d6  and on a 3 or higher the rock heals them for 1hp, on a 2 or lower the rock inflicts 1 bludgeoning damage. Rock has 10 charges, all 10 charges can be used in one action, rock recharges daily.

034. Mirror of Morality, a small vanity mirror that shows your reflection as if you has the opposite morality (often with a goatee).

035. Six String Stronginthearm, cherry red guitar with character.+15ft range for all bard spells. Once per day can invoke heavy metal hero and do an additional 1d4 thunder damage with an attack. Two handed bard focus.

036. Heavenly headpiece. Fine hat, magically birds will refuse to shit on you. Hat can summon 1d20 spectral pigeons per day.

037. Lash of Time, a 25ft whip can only be wielded by someone proficient in history. Can allow for grappling hook like tricks at disadvantage.

038. Ring of Roundup, a carved wooden ring that attracts butterflies. Allows the wielder to control one tiny insect at a time.

039. Pointy Prestidigitation Relic, a fine yew and copper wand. Creates a small beam of light that can be seen for miles. Can be any shape of color the user wills. Deals no damage and no other effects.

040. Handgun, a streamlined crossbow hilt wand combination with a carved fist on the end. Fires a mage hand, 5 shots per day.

041. Rake of Terror, Everyone who steps on the rake takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage. DC 12 to notice lying on ground. Rake appears to have supernature properties in ways only the unruliest of groundskeepers is familiar with.

042. Mirror of Positive Reinforcement. A mirror that doles out positive reinforcement and life advice. Mirrored self appears to always be smiling and wants you to know he has two thumbs.

043. Orb of Advice, a crystal ball made mostly of Obsidian. Might just be a magic 8 ball, may or may not contain a dijin. Whispers cryptic and nonusefull advice when shook. 

044. Jar of Gaseous Gust,  A sea elf made white clay jar with bands of cobalt and jet. Gives the user the gust cantrip. Requires two hands and firm concentration to operate. Using it poorly will result in flatulent noises.

045. Violet Vexillum Mask, a mask that allows for someone to cast disguise self once per day. However they will turn into a bright blue and purple version of who they are attempting to be disguised as.

046. Walking Stick, A knobby arcane or druid’s staff. Once attuned to the staff will sprout legs and follow around the user when they’re not looking.

047. Fork of Lies, a silver fork that deals 1 damage. On hit user must make a dc15 wisdom save or be compelled to lie.

048. Banana Phone, gives the user the ability to cast message so long as they don’t roll a 1, then the phone has used up it’s calls for the day. Can be networked by biomancers, bonus action to dial.

049. Tool of Truth. Thieves tools that provide +1 when is secret is told during lockpicking.

050. The Orange Crate. A foldable disguise the can be reduced to the size of a book. One action to unfurl and refurl, disguise is a crate of oranges and provides +1 to checks. 

051. Rock of Uncertainty, a rock that’s impossible to know for certain what it can do. (could be useless, if not consult the wild magic table for when it’s been properly activated).

052. Ring of Fire, a rose gold ring, when the command word is spoken the ring activates it’s once per day heat metal spell. Wielder is not shielded from the effects of this. Range of activation 100ft.

053. Mutual Annihilation, an old rough metal bracer that’s seen intensive use and centuries. As a bonus action the user can inflict twice their player character level in radiant damage in conjunction with a successful attack roll. Please note, when activated this also inflicts four times the user’s level in radiant damage to the player character. One user per day.

054. Witchy Wonder, a simple green nose with a bit of string. When attuned to it gives the user a vile and disgusting putrid green face. It does give the user proficiency in poison identification and distillation.

055. Dayman’s medallion, a medallion with the symbol of pelor. +1 to charisma during the daytime, -1 charisma and -1 dexterity during the nighttime. Takes one day to attune.

056. Nightman’s locket, a locket with the symbol of the raven queen. +1 to dexterity during the nighttime, -1 charisma and -1 dexterity during the daytime. Takes one day to attune.

057. Shielding of Stoneskin, a necklace of interlocked gabbro stones. When worn it will protect the user by having them turn to stone when reduced to zero hit points. User will pop back up to half hit points after 1d4 days or a restoration spell. Roll a 1d20 on revival, on 2 or lower the necklace is destroyed.

058. Shoes of serpents, finely crafted crocodile hide boots. Once per day a small corn snake can be summoned from the boot.

059. Dr Widdershins’ Fantastic Battletrowsers, a fantastically stylish pair of trousers. Allows the user to increase their AC by 1, does not work if user is wearing actual armor.

060. Ze Phoenix Feather Blade, a well made blade with interlocking helixs of wrought copper brass and bismuth on a red steel blade. Functions as a +1 longsword with other mysterious properties. Must be charmed with a DC15 check, or another skill the DM would find appropriate upon attunement daily. Otherwise the user takes 1d8 fire damage.

061. Mystic Mouse, a small statue of a mouse. Gives the user a small craving for cheese, also gives proficiency and knowledge in making cheese. User can sense cheese one quarter mile.

062. Bottomless Mug, a masterwork stone mug, all craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. Despite being normal sized this can hold 10 gallons or 40 liters of liquid.

063. Orb of crack detection, An orb that if cracked will alert the user by exploding 1 minute later for 1 fire damage.

064. Kaleidoscope of Dreams, an expertly made brass and cobalt kaleidoscope. Adds +1 to perception checks made with it, on a natural roll of 5 or lower user will suffer effects of lsd(disadvantage on all ability checks for ten minutes) on a natural 20, user gains truesight for 1 hour.

065. Screaming sword, A fine tiefling made longsword. Once unsheathed it will inflict 1 sonic damage to the wielder per turn unsheathed. Sword does an additional 1d4 sonic damage on hit.

066. Shield of sorrow, a decent banded iron shield with a sad drama mask engraved on the front. Once per day can allow the user to cast command “give up” as a wisdom save DC13.

067. Babbley Fish, a mind flayer relic, a bright blue goldfish looking creature that if stuck in the ear and attuned to, will allow the user to know one language at random or Dm’s discretion.

068. Dr Widdershins’ Discount Healing potions. A standard healing potion, with a god awful taste (usually rancid leeches or rooster’s feet). A DC 10 constitution check is needed to down this without it coming back up.

069. Trampish Bag Of Dreams, a fine leather bag the looks sounds and appears to be full of gold. Really just an empty bag that can’t hold anything except the occasional moth.

070. Dr Widdershins’ Invisibility Ingress Potions, Potions of invisibility that nearly work. They will instead turn you semi transparent.

071. Pyramid Plan, a small sandal wood and glass box. The user vaguely desires whatever’s inside, +1 to hocking items in the box off on people.

072. Robe of Randomness, A snug tweed robe that’s oddly stylish. Five times per day a random item can be pulled out of the pockets of this robe (player’s handbook page 150) despite it not looking like it could be pulled from there. Items turn to woodsmoke in 24 hours.

073. Pot of Pleasantness, A red and black clay pot with infernal runes. Once per day a random small plant (usually a spice) will grow from the pot.

074. Zircon’s Relic of Fire Fiendishness, a squirt gun that fires a small stream of frost for 45ft. On hit deals 1 cold damage, requires water every 6 shots.

075. Beholder’s Amulet, A small red amulet that’s covered in bumps and ridges. On attunement an eye will pop out and the user can see through it as long as it stays within 10ft of them. The inner eye looks beautiful, and can be used as a an arcane focus.

076. Tome of PseudoMagic, a tome or grimoire bound in leather and several years old. Once per day it can be used to create a false publication that will back up the user’s claims. A DC15 relative ability check is needed to see through it’s bullshitt.

077. Clickity Clunker, A coconut with an engraved horse on the side. When carried it will make the sound of a horse trotting around.

078. Sonic Soother, a rock engraved in primitive runes. When places right side up( no one agrees on just what this is) the rock plays easy listening music.

079. Pyromaniac’s Peppers, Small purplish red peppers, 3/3 charges. Allows the user to do a 1d6 fire breath weapon, tastes like burning.

080. Rooster’s Ruin, a small bauble shaped like a rooster. Gives a rooster’s caw whenever the local equivalent of dawn happens.

081. Magnifier of Mayhem, a fine bronze magnifying glass. Holy focus or arcane focus, can shoot a beam of radiant energy 30ft, deals 1 radiant damage.

082. Laughing Lock, a lock with an engraved picture of a laughing face on it. Only opens to knock, a natural 20, or if someone tells a joke while lockpicking or opening the key.

083. Menace of Marbles, A marbles game bag that they don’t make like they used to. Provides 1000 marbles that can be summoned (treat as ball bearings) Dex 10 to avoid them. 1000 marbles creates four 5x5 ft squares. Marbles turn to dust in 24 hours and bag recharges daily.

084. Pipe of Peculiar, fine wooden pipe creates a 20ft radius puff of smoke once per day DC10 perception to see through. Smoke is fine woody and mildly addictive.

085. Scarlet Salmon, a wand that looks suspiciously like a small fishing rod. It gives the user the ability to create one red flying fish illusion, range 60ft.

086. Dyson of dead sun, A crystal ball that contains different scenery every time it’s used. When shook, a large thaumaturgical or nuclear explosion takes place and the scenery changes inside the sphere.

087. Knuckles of Knock, a pair of sturdy ironwood knuckles. When activated they turn grow into a portables ram (+4 to breaking down doors). It’s an action to convert these into a ram and back again.

088. Spellslinger’s Staff, a walnut a nickel adorned staff that makes unnecessary clicking noise when handled. +1 to initiative when in an honest fight, -1 to stealth rolls due to unessacy clicking.

089. Boogie Boots, A pair of high heeled leather and iron boots, provide a +1 to mosey strutting and kicking checks. Killer on the feet though, -1hp for every hour wearing the boots.

090. Champions Chessboard, a fine elven made chess board made with white quartz, basalt, and red cedar. User must win a chess game with this board to attune to it (Int DC 20) Chess pieces will slaughter each other and mend after every game. On attunement chesspieces will obey one command from you out of game  for thirty minutes (treat entire team as a tiny construct.)

091. Sir Stuffed, a small teddy bear or other animal that carries a wooden sword and a small helmet. Can be used to keep guard while people sleep, and will wake the owner when danger arrives. In true life or death situations it will defend the user. Sir Stuffed has 3hp, +1 to atack and on hit deals 1 bludgeoning damage.

092. Hunter Fishhook, A fishhook that seeks, kills and attempts to return a fish once per day. Fishhook comes back in ten minutes with or without it’s prize. Commonly returns fish the size of goldfish, or kills larger fish and is unable to bring them back.

093. Cursed Crystal Cantos, a relic that turns any semi organic material around it into candy. Produces ½ a pound per day and will use anything around it as ingredients.

094. Weapon of Eternal Forge, a mystical glowing shortsword of unusual property. Functions as a -1 sword for all attacks and damage rolls, breaks entirely on natural 1s. Mends itself in one day though, sword appears to be attempting to reforge itself constantly through magic due to the creator being convinced the magic will work itself out eventually.

095. Belt of BiteBack, A fine leather belt that can transform with a crack into a 15ft magic whip. On every miss, hits the user in the face for 1 damage.

096. Bow of Bass, a older underdark orange bow with character. When attuned to it strums a steady bass line, -1 to all stealth rolls, +1 to all unnecessary trickshots.

097. Creature’s Crossbow, a crossbow made of unfamiliar wood full of notches and twists. Appears to have been made for some kind of unknown creature that’s designed differently from normal humanoids. Functions as a light crossbow, once per day can be used to inflict 1d6 of a random damage type onto a successfully fired shot that the user also takes. Requires a Int DC 10 to understand how to activate this.

098. Ax of Armistice, A well made steel greataxe made by tieflings. +1 to intimidation +1 to hit, if an enemy is killed with this axe all extra damage is carried over to another enemy within 10ft. On daily attunement, make a DC10 charisma saving throw, if failed the user will attempt peace first until they are hit for any damage or are persuaded to attempt violence DC10.

099. Amulet of Alms, Multi Pantheon holy focus made out of white gold and adorned with an arrow. Gives the user 1 guidance(1d4 to any check) that they can use on themselves or anyone within 30ft as a bonus action. Amulet can also be used to point to the nearest hallowed ground or a place of worship once per day.

100. Staff of Serendipity, an umbrella that can serve as an +1 arcane focus once attuned to. Three times per day the umbrella can use it’s user’s reaction to increase their armor class by 3. Daily make a DC 10 wisdom save, on fail the user believes the Staff can allow them to fly until their talked out of it DC10 or proven wrong the hard way.

The Unconscious Stoa Poikile.

  The Unconscious Stoa Poikile.

By Dylan Clockwork.

Many people lie that there are five senses, and they lie without ever thinking about that statement for more than a minute as children. People have a sense of wonder, imagination, of heat, unease, doom and the list goes on well past when anyone could hope to read it. Perhaps a sense of agency was checked while reading this. Rarely though does the sense of self become checked. Something more than going with the gut before a decision, Attempting to measure and perceive how a person is without the flesh possessions and emotions can be difficult. Though there is a place where it is most famous.

“Cluck.”

“Hmm,” Sophia wondered about the chicken. She wondered about a great many things, such as why she was on a gorgeous beach when normally the closest body of water to her was lake michigan. There were also ruins of marble and onyx structures, twisting lattices of gold rainbow and shadow far to her distance. And a steep smoldering volcano that whichever way she turned was always right out of eyesight. All that was hard to understand early in the morning. The realist thing she could find was a partically stupid looking chicken wondering around that was keeping her from losing her mind.

“Cluck?”

“Hello?” Sophia asked.

“Cluck!”

“I’m getting up,” an echoey voice grumbled.

Sophia inspected the echoey voiced landscape. There was nothing person shaped, but the chicken was fairly interested in some broken pottery. After a bit of poking around, she found what might have been the most dirty scraggly and unkept old man she'd ever seen. He was crawling out of a piece of pottery that said "wine only and this way up." 

"Now I'm entirely up," the old man said. "And do I want to know person three million who's asking me for advice? Or is this another person fond of blocking my sunlight?

"Hello?" Sophia asked. 

"Begone!"

"Cluck?”

“Fine,” he said and walked out of his spot. “Who are you who is standing in the one spot where your voice echoes into that pot. I like that pot, it’s a nice pot far away from Kadath and close enough to Celephaïs to not have wannabe sophists. But not so far I can’t go and be a sophist myself, ha ha.”

“What?” Sophia asked. “How does this homeless man know me?”

“Ask your question!”

“What? Oh yea, where am I?” Sophia asked looking at the strange structures on the horizon. 

“Up a staircase, past the guards, in my sunlight.”

“Guards?” then Sophia remembered. “She was in her house, delirious and wondering how there was a staircase in her painting. Then she walked through it and some people with elusive features asked her some questions.

"Physically speaking I'm not sure, ten feet in front of me probably," the man speculated stretching his back into position. "That seems like a lie. Tell me who you are mentally and possibly spiritally instead."

"Umm well…" Sophia did not feel like telling her life story to this man. 

"I take it your stressed and suffering major fatigue," The old man specilated an alarming distance from her face. ”No physical ailments, those lines under your eyes don't lie. Probably a man… no. Modern age must be different, profession problems. And… Ah that's nice and complicates things, so why did you land next to me? Walk with me."

For some reason Sophia followed the strange man, possibly because he was the least strange thing around her. 

"What's your profession then?" The old man asked.

"What's yours?" Sophia asked with a small eb of venom.

"Ruler of men or teacher depending on the semantics."

“Ah, well I’m a student, probably not one of yours.”

“Of what?” 

“General education at the moment," Sophia remembered. "Currently in my third year, working on getting a bunch of base credits out of the way."

"Not doing as well as you hoped?"

"Well… yea," she admitted. "I mean I probably won't fail but still. And I'm sucking at half my classes at the moment, poly maths, romantics, histories and greek humanities."

"Is that the study of multiple mathematics or the study of people who made contributions to multiple fields of the written world?”

“The first one,”

“Yes that makes more sense,” the old man said, stepping over a fissure in the earth. “I imagine that the other two subjects must be plenty more difficult if you never met the subjects involved.”

“Yea, also I keep getting dates confused,” At that moment Sophia noticed a large spectrum of numberers occupying her arm. Upon a closer look They formed dates years changing before they reached the current day. Then she remembered it was actually the next year again and the date scratched out to become one year higher. “This Place is weird. Where Am I in space?”

“Mentally it has to do with the true north.”

“Ah the northern lights, this makes more sense.”

“No something to do with polaris.” 

“Nevermind.”

“Perhaps when are you? Your american right, and don’t use kilometers.”

“That makes less sense, but yea I’m from Chicago, and we use miles.”

“Well more often you measure distance in units of time,” the old man said. “We’re about two minutes from… friends of mine?”

“That sounded sketchy.”

“Well we’re about one minute from some guys I know then.”

“That sounds less sketchy and more sketchy at the same time.”

“There’s no winning sometimes,” the old man admitted.

“No but there’s having fun losing,” Sophia retorted. “And there’s losing with style!”

“Hmm,” the old man pondered. “You’re all right you know that.”

“Cluck!”

“Agh! confound this beast.”

Sophia saw the chicken had approached another man, this one taller leaner, and looked like he knew a lot about paper quality. There were other people as well. Others in strange robes, stranger renaissance clothing, one or two in suits. One in a set of ornamental robes, and a few other people assorted about. The original old man didn’t seem to care and instead sat on a nearby pillar chatting up someone in a suit while his chicken attacked the first man.

“Diogenes may never change,” the suited man said.

“We’re still on for throwing rocks at the infinite hole game right?” The old man asked the one in the suit.

“By hole do you mean the sea, the infinite rabbit hole, the chasm, the borderlands, my life, my reputation, my stomach or current project?”

“Let’s start at an early one and make our way to a later one.”

“Let’s hope it’s metaphorically and then literally my substance problems as well.”

At this point another robed figure walked around the corner and clapped his hands. “Allright if it is fine with everybody I think we should begin now. Everyone please find a spot around the U, except for you Sophia. If you could stand in that ring it would make things easier.”

Sophia wasn’t sure why everyone began taking positions around the vibrant colored thing but the man who asked her looked incredibly sad and exhausted so she didn’t feel like making him unhappy.

“You took my spot,” A colorful Frenchman announced to the old man.

“I took a spot.”

“My but has been heating it up,” the Frenchman said. “The wood is cold.”

“That’s why I took it.”

“Zeno!”

“You can have mine,” the sad man said.

“Roll call,” someone with a crisp english accent said.

“Zeno,” the sad man said.

“Nichechez,” the man in the blakc said said.

“Confusious,” an elegant man from the east announced.

“Rene Descartes,” the Frenchman said, looking for his seat.

“Socrates,”a robed figure said, shooing the chicken.

“Diogenes,” the strange old man said.

“And I am Immanual  Kant,” the Englishman said, checking off something in a small book.

“Not his manual, what are you?” Diogenes asked. 

“You have done that joke to death,” Neichez said. “It’s worse than A bear Camus.”

“And we are here to hear the trail of,” Kant asked with a gesture towards Sophia.

“Urm Sophia?” 

“Some things don’t change,” Kant said, writing it down in his little book. “Thank you.”

Sophia Recognized every name on this list. Her first thought was that she was having a hallucination or dream brought on by not enough sleep or too much caffeine. That would do a lot to explain why there were seven of the most famous figures in philosophy around her. The next thing she thought was why was she dreaming of this if she wasn't even doing bad at greek humanities. 

"You likely have a lot of questions," Kant said. "We do not have answers, at least none that would satisfy you."

"You are probably on another plane of reality," Nichechez said. "We're actually fairly confident about this one. People enter and leave somewhat at will, connected through dreams and sorcery. If you can find the staircase and answer the questions you can step through, potentially forever."

Kant visibly rolled his eyes and waited for Nichechez to stop interrupting. "Yes thank you for that idea. Sophia please don't bother living your life as though there are other levels of existence, that's just his theory."

"And the theory of nearly every man here," Confuscious said. "In fact of all the semi permanent people here you are one of the few who reject the idea. And the only to not have a permanent idea to replace it."

"Stop bullying Kant, he's doing his best," Zeno said. 

"Thank you for that, can we go two minutes without arguing?" Rene asked.

"No," Nichechez and Diogenes said in unison.

"Fine," Rene said, realizing it wasn't productive to argue about arguing. "Standard trial then, Zeno will arbitrate since he can be trusted after all and this is his Stoa Polkta. Diogenes, you've been talking with her for a while. Would you explain why she's here?"

"Agreed," Zeno exhaled.

"Also agree," Diogenes announced walking around to Sophia. "Our newest arrival seems to have landed next to us due to having us on her mind and not in a good way. She hasn't been getting any sleep and is likely undergoing panic attacks as well as sleep paralysis. Additionally time is of the essence, She's rapidly expiring."

"What the fuck?" Sophia thought to herself. "Am I dying?"

"Well everyone is dying, don't feel too bad about it," Confuscious said. "The difference is how much good life you have left and whether anyone can do anything tangible to stretch things out."

"Yes and we don't mean in the avoiding sugars, alcohols and nicotine way either," Nichechez explained. "Nobody expects you to do that, we mean yes you're dying quickly from your perspective."

"You could though, it helps," Socrates interrupted sheepishly. "We've known about that for a while now."

"You're dying fast," Confucions explained, seeing Sophia's face twist in confusion as the speakers piled.

"Maybe it would help if you could tell us what you remember about what you were doing before you came here," Socrates suggested. "Cause and effect and all that."

"Err," Sophia strained her mind. "She remembered making the long drive home from her work, feeling awful and blanking most of the trip. She flicked the button on her opener, pulled inside. Then… something about the closer in her car wouldn't shut the door so she fiddled with it for a minute. It finally closed. She got out of her car… no that didn't happen. Did she just collapse? Did she remember to turn off the engine?

"Shit." 

"I saw your eyes go alert. I take it you have an answer," Socrates stated.

"I think I might be asphyxiating," Sophia squeaked out.

"There are worse ways to go," Nichechez said.

"You know you don't always have to be the devil's advocate," Rene said.

"I'll speak for who I want to."

"Um, is there anything any of you can do?" Sophia asked meekly. "Or what happens if I die here?"

"That topic seems to be under some debate," Kant said. "From what I've observed you die, your body seems to have been brought here in some manner."

"Or you may wake up on the other side," Diogenes suggested. “Whether or not that otherside is earth or another plane is uncertain. To any extent a body may or may not remain here.”

"Can you help?"

"Well…" Nichechez started . "There is the problem of what happens if we try to help? What will you do?"

"I'll live," Sophia growled. 

"Maybe," Rene said, staring through her. "What will you do afterwards?" 

"Well I'll.. I don't know, go to class afterwards," Sophia stuttered. 

"Same as today?" Confucius asked.

"Yes."

"So you may wind up here again tomorrow night," Confucius stated.

"Well hang on."

"What I think he means is," Rene began. "What sort of a person are you? We want to help you Sophia, but what sort of person are we providing the world if we do that. What is Sophia to the world around her? If we found every person you'd ever even vaguely interacted with and asked if they wanted you to exist on earth how would they vote."

"What do you want, a character witness to help?" 

"No we cannot provide one here and neither can you," Socrates said. 

"This is taking too long for her," Nichechez snapped. "What we need is a way to distill who you are rapidly."

"Anyone know if Freud's around?" Diogenes asked.

“Let’s just try asking questions,” Socrates said. “If she lies between all of us we can tell, if she thinks she’s telling the truth then we will have to judge her based on her experiences with reality.”

“Feels a bit wrong if we don’t have some method of judging your actions based on the unseen impact they had,” Kant said. “I don’t want to drag… you know into this. Isn’t there supposed to be someone or something who has this job.”

“I didn’t know you believed in Santa Claus,” Diogenes asked with an arbrut look.

After a minute of Nietzsche laughing and the rest of them scribbling some questions on a piece of paper they got to work.

“So have you ever been convicted of a crime and if so why?” Zeno asked, holding up the first page.

“Ugh traffic tickets I guess,” Sophia recalled. “Does it count if it’s a speed trap?”

“Hang on a minute,” Kant proclaimed. “You knew it was wrong to do, why did you do it? If everyone did that, think about how the world would turn out.”

“Everyone did that, that’s why the cop was there,” 

“Were there any dangers?”

“None besides the normal dangers of driving around,” Sophia said. “Honestly at this point I’m more worried about getting a ticket than hitting someone.”

“We’ll table the correct vs good debate for now then,” Diogenes said. “How about this, is there anyone’s life you think you’ve changed for the better?”

“By how much?”

“Any amount that’s above what you’re obligated to do for other reasons,” Diogenes said. “Picking up trash isn’t helping a cleaner if you’re the person who produced said trash in the first place.”

“Uhh,” Sophia pondered, racking her brain. “Hang on a minute I know the answer is yes but I need to think of examples. Dammit why can’t I think of anything, well I am dying.” One look at Diogenes gave her an answer.

“Oh I help out the city's homeless every once in a while,” 

“She’s a good person!” Diogenes chanted.

“You know morality is more complicated than giving a beggar money or food,” Rene explained.

“Says you!” Diogenes shouted.

“Yes says me, morality is more complicated than that, every action breaks down and branches out into different actions and conclusions. Say if the people you help go on to stab somebody or if you’re spreading a disease amongst-AGH”

Diogenes had thrown the chicken at Rene.

“Let’s try this from a different angle, '' Kant said. “Do you have a conscience?”

“Yes!”

“Ok very good,” Kant said, checking off a question. “And you follow it to a high degree, correct?”

“Yes!”

“Good,” Kant said, checking down another box. “So since you have worked hard to follow your conscience in life you have a degree of certainty that what you have done so far is correct in life.”

“Err… yes?” Sophia answered wondering if there was a double meaning.

“So you wouldn’t say that you’ve had any regrets or situations you’ve handled wrongly that have bothered you into the future,” Kant said. “Nothing major at least.”

“Urm,” A wash of shame fell over Sophia’s face as she tried to think of how to answer him.

“Oh for god- for whoever run’s this place’s sake,” Nietzsche proclaimed. “Stop harassing her over having regrets, the regrets are what prove she’s actually a decent person. Regrets are fantastic, regrets mean that Sophia has grown as a person and realized she’s done something wrong which is fantastic. Nobody sane can wish that they’ll go out and have a butload of regrets. Everyone wants to do better and to rise above themselves to where they never have to feel like their fourteen again. Heck I’ll think you’re doing fantastic as long as you can tell me you’re trying to be a better person than you were yesterday. Always try to be more, otherwise you’ll wind up as a stagnant person wondering where the time went and oh GOD why did I waste everything. Just make some fucking values and stick to them ok?”

“Are you ok?” Sophia said.

“I’m here if you need to talk, Diogenes said. “That goes for everyone you know.”

“Will you get rid of the chicken?” Socrates asked.

“I’ll think about it.”

“I have one important question, which I believe has yet to be asked,” Zeno said.

“You literally have the floor Zeno, it's your floor,” Kant said.

“Sophia, do you wish to not die of asphyxiation?” 

All eyes turned towards Sophia.

“Well…” She had to think about this longer than she would have thought. “No, I want to live.”

“Then we should help,” Zeno said. “You may continue the debate if you wish, but I will explain the way out while you do so.”

“Hang on,” Rene started.

“She has a time limit we don’t,” Confucius said. 

“The way out is simple, death, injury or staircase,” Zeno said. “Please take care to power through whatever crisis you are facing on the other side.”

“Will this one here work,” Sophia pointed to a silver helix driving down.

“It should,” Rene said. “Just focus when you get out, we can’t emphasize that enough.”

“Can one of you…”

“No,” Diogenese said before she had the thought out. “Nowhere to go back to but the earth.”

Sophia stood up as did the others. They began to wander off into other directions of the strange landscape. Diogenes was the only one left to seem to pay her any attention.

“I have a lot of questions, I don’t think I managed to ask any of them.”

“Yea they’re like that with questions, I blame Socrates,” Diogenes said, sending the chicken out where Socrates wandered.

“Do I have time?”

“You’ll have more if you can get to the other side before you expire,” Diogenes said. “If you dream again, provided this is not the long sleep. Climb up the stairs, answer the questions. It may require more lucidity than you're used to but it is worth it.”

“Goodbye.”

Sophia climbed the staircase. The world began to appear flat. Then she felt the gentle rumble of a car. It took about thirty seconds for her to wake up, turn off the car, stumble out of the garage and begin puking her guts up. She was alive, though every part of her seemed to disagree.